crafting – a Wildflower's life

After quite a stressful time in my life, I’ve been finding myself feeling quite burned out and un-inspired when it comes to the things that usually bring me joy.
It felt like running against a wall every time I tried to do… anything really.

I struggle with chronic depression and these episodes creep up on me every now and then.
Today’s post is about what I did to stop feeling awful and actually ended up getting in one of the best mental states I’ve been in – probably ever.

Step Zero: Catching The Fall

As a crafter, loosing joy in your crafts can feel like losing part of your identity.
When you find yourself getting frustrated at your project, lacking the inspiration to start new ones or producing outcomes of lesser quality than your usual work, because it has become more of a matter of getting it done and over with then enjoying the process and making something you truly love, it can feel like you lost that part of who you are.

Our art and crafts are part of how we speak, feel, process and communicate. I make things to express mysef, find joy and gift things to people that I want to show how much they mean to me.
When I have lost that, who even am I?

Let me say the most important thing first:
If you’re going through something similar right now:
You’re still the wonderful being you are!
Our interests change, inspiration is fluid and creativity is a wild, free being that cannot be captured and barely tamed.
It’s okay to take a break – you’re still you.

And taking a break is exactly what I needed as well.

Realising I’m spiralling down the “I’m crafting because I feel like a waste of oxygen if I don’t have anything to show for my time”-hole, the first thing I did was drop everything I was doing.

Taking a notepad and some time, I asked myself the following questions:
– Have I been taking care of myself propperly?
– Who am I?
– What do I actually want?
My answers were: “Hell no!”, “uhhhh…?” and “… I don’t know…”

These questions might seem random but let me explain.
Adequate self-care (at least for me) is one of the most crucial parts in feeling stable and able to tackle life. As an unstable mess, it’s hard to feel connected to a real feeling of identity and what’s there to express and be inspired by, when everything’s in a blurr?

Step One: The Need To Care

I struggle with self-care. A lot.
But it might just be the most important part in regaining my creative flow.

My main struggles are sleep and hydration and indeed, I had stopped taking my beloved naps and by the amount of water I drank, my brain had probably shrivvled up into a tired raisin by now.

Fixing these aspects was surprisingly simple: I set an alarm to remind me to take a nap – no need to sleep, just take time to rest and process.
I also accepted that, when insomnia strikes at night, I won’t force myself to lay in the dark and overthink. Instead, I implemented simple habits that help me gradually getting into a regular rythm, such as darkening the room in the evening and making it a point to change into pyjamas at the same time daily, even if I don’t feel like I’ll be sleeping any time soon.
I also started tracking my water intake – my perfectionism coming in handy this time, as it was now a competition against self-neglect-self.

But basic needs aren’t the only things we can neglect.

I take a large part of my identity out of my love for all things whimsical and fantasy. However, I haven’t actually been engaging with any new sources of that.
I was watching the same old comfort-shows on repeat as background noise, because starting a new one felt like it needed brain power I didn’t have and had fully stopped reading, which I usually love.
I had to realise that enjoying hobbies like reading isn’t a waste of time just because it doesn’t “produce” anything.

My story with reading and especially not reading despite loving it, is enough for a whole post on its own and the process of getting back into it went much deeper than just picking up my kindle again. But for now, all that matters is that I started doing it again.

With my brain rested and hydrated, and a new flow of inspiration secured, I was back!
It felt like waking up from a dream!

I found myself sending funny quotes from my books to friends and raving on and on about how amazing my current read was.
I didn’t only start reading again, but also rekindled (hihi… “kindle”) my love for music, putting some on to get myself going first thing in the morning and finding myself dancing through the bathroom, brushing my teeth to my favourite songs.
It was amazing! I was surprised how much just making the effort to give myself back the feeling of who I am and what I love actually changed.

Making it a point to surround myself with things that make me feel like my true self, not only made me feel soooo much better but also helped me to feel more secure around others. I was interacting more with friends again and catching up on penpal-mail.
I started to open up about struggles and by their reactions, realised what truly incredible people I’m surrounded by, further driving me towards feeling like a whole person, deserving of love, joy and care.

Taking it one step at a time, over weeks and weeks, first focusing on basic needs, then reconnecting with myself and then with my wonderful social circle, I hadn’t just made myself feel less awful, I had made myself feel like I can tackle more than I could previously.

Step Two: Wait No I’m Inspired Again Already?!

Structure Secures

With my sense of self restored, my appreciation for minimalism returned as well.
Now, I’m not a minimalist at all, but I do love the concept of owning what you need and not collecting or holding onto clutter.

In that spirit, I remembered my goal to work through my yarn stash again and decided that this is a great point to start from, to start crafting again.
With my new found inspiration I went through my stash and ravelry.

The first yarns to be used, were this gorgeous fade of mini-skeins, left over from my yarn-advent-calendar from last christmas, as well as some speckled skeins from one of my favourite hand-dyers.

These are not at all my usual colours to use, which is why I struggled to find a way to use them up that I’d actually like the process and product of.

As I was regularly reading again, I felt inspired by the “Reading Shawl” by Kay Jones (link to the pattern).
The issue was, I didn’t have enough yarn for that one and I didn’t want these colour in a striped pattern.
Then, in a lucky coincidence, I stumbled across the “Memory Keeper’s Shawl” by Pauliina Kuunsola. (link to the pattern)
It’s fun to knit, great for a fade and I love the purpose it’s designed for!

The way the colours marrled, the shawl makes me think of blueberry yoghurt.
This shawl is not even close to something I’d usually wear, but being meant for snuggling up in while reading at home, that doesn’t matter. Projects like this are perfect for playing with colours you usually wouldn’t gravitate towards.
Stepping out of your usual colour-comfort zone can also do wonders for reigniting that crafty-flame.

There’s another reason why this project was perfect for me to start crafting again.
Since it’s worked in minis, there is an element of pretty quick and regular gratification to it, which gives me the feeling of accomplishment I was previously lacking.
I strive to work through about half a mini-skein every day, which provides me with a little goal every day without adding any pressure to my life.

Inspiration Flows Freely

With the purples, blues and greens of my shawl in front of my eyes every day, my mind wandered off into lavender fields and patches of wildflowers.

While I don’t even like the smell of lavender since it gives me a headache, it’s currently my favourite flower to embroider.
And my favourite thing to do with embroidered fabric, is to sew it into bags and pouches.
This has escalated in days on end spent stitching, sewing, – making bags till I ran out of excuses to justify growing my collection of them so rapidly.

But remember how I said I caught up on my penpal-mail and reconnected with friends?

So now I have all the excuses to keep making them!
Because if a friend asks, how my getting to know my “new” sewing machine is going, I have to show them, right? ^^

This also provides another wonderful way to make things that I wouldn’t necessarily make for myself, considering shape, size, colour and motive – choosing them all to suit the person I’m making the bag for.
I still implement my own style into everything I make but there’s no greater joy in crafting for me, than to custom make something for someone I like.

And remember how I mentioned that creativity can barely be tamed?

Well…
I can’t send or give someone a gift without the appropriate packaging! Right…?

So after impulsively embroidering and sewing this bag, I just as impulsively made a custom lable.

And if I make a custom wrap-around-lable-thingy I have to stick it together in the back somehow.
And I can’t just use tape or something.
Right…?

So then I made custom stickers to match.

Buuut I can’t just make one flower sticker. I mean lavender isn’t the only thing I like to embroider and what if I make more bags for other people soon?
So… that day, I didn’t just make one sticker, as if custom making literally everything isn’t enough…
I made fpur.

Step Three: Nurturing

As you can probably tell, I’m restored back to my creative-chaos-tornado-self again.
But healing and sustainble change take more than a few healthy habits and some cheer-up-music.

It’s important to keep up the self care during “good times” just as much as when we’re struggling.

Fully preventing a rough patch is simply not possible but there’s things we can do to make sure we’re prepeared and able to take and overcome them, when they return.
Mainly, taking good care of ourselves, not falling into self-isolation and getting help if needed, wether it’s accute or preventative.

If you’re going through rough times, I hope you’ll be able to break free from the darkness soon as well!
Please remember: You’re a wonderful being that deserves all the good and joy a life can offer. You’re more than worthy and valid and deserve to be treated that way – not only by others but by yourself as well.
Things will get better and you’ll be able to rise and bloom, even if you don’t remeber what that’s even like.