self care – a Wildflower's life

I’m watching the days go by and seasons change. Hear my friends talk about university, learning a job and starting their own lifes.

And me?
Well… I’m still here. Still housebound. Still about as independent as a typical child.
And while I love watching the seasons go by and couldn’t be more proud of my friends growing up and venturing on to find their place in this beautiful world –

Sometimes it hurts.

Left Behind

My life didn’t exactly follow the most conventional path.
It should’ve been so easy:
Go to school, graduate, go to university and get a job. Maybe join a sports club, get a little holiday job on summer break, get your driver’s license, … – be a functioning member of society.
But obviously it wasn’t easy. It wasn’t even possible.

I’m not writing about this to pity myself or for anyone to feel sorry for me.

I’m writing about it because we take these things for granted – we even expect them.

So what happens when one kid just doesn’t?

Nowadays I find it almost funny;
I went to school with multiple neurodivergent kids who – because they had a diagnosis – got extra support.
And we all just accepted it.

Of course we did. Everyone deserves the help they need.

Long story short: I’m neurodivergent too. And while I don’t think the available resources would’ve been enough to enable me to get through school and maybe even join the working world, I would’ve loved to have gotten the chance to try.

Why didn’t I get this?
Well… did you know, that nearly 80% of autistic females are undiagnosed at the age of 18? (https://www.uclahealth.org/news/article/understanding-undiagnosed-autism-adult-females)

Now, this post isn’t meant to be all negative and depressing but those sad facts do provide context as to the situation I want to write about today.

Because while it’s perfectly normal for some, to stand out in all sorts of ways, what happens when you stand out as well but your way of doing so seems different still?
When your condition is both blatantly obvious and totally invisible and no one understands what’s “Wrong with you”?

Because there’s nothing wrong with you.
You’re just another kind of different.

For me, this meant ending up housebound with no diagnosis to be eligible for any kind of specialised help or support.
And for the largest part of my life, this was an awful situation to be in.
But now things have changed.

I still don’t have all the paperwork I need but I have some diagnoses, some suspected ones and am on all the waiting lists imaginable for what’s left to be recognised.

Most importantly though, I have a support system that accepts that I’m not a bird that’s too incompetent to fly, but a cat that really shouldn’t be chucked down cliffs all the time because that’s kind of not what they’re equipped for…

I’m loved, supported and waiting.
Waiting.
Waiting…
Sitting in my golden cage, watching the world spin by.

The Golden Cage

My life sounds pretty awesome on first sight and I do really love a lot of aspects about it;
I basically get to sit in my room all day crafting, with little to no responsibilities.
And this would be indeed amazing if you don’t understand why it is this way and what some of those perks actually intale:

Yes, I get to sit in my room all day doing crafts – but I don’t get the choice to just leave it.
Yes, I have little to no responsibilities – because I can’t handle basic things and am fully dependant on others.
Yes, I’m financially supported – at the literal cost of my loved ones, despite trying everything I possibly could to take this burden off of them.

What sounds like a never ending holiday quickly turns into the world’s most cozy prison, even when only looking at the very top of the ice berg that is being in a situation like this.

So how do you cope with this?
How do you stop yourself devolving into an animal in captivity, pacing in circles?

For the longest time I tried to fill my days with crafting, finding purpose in producing things and smiles from people receiving them.

But something changed.
I’m inches away from finally flying away – getting the chance to start my own life, move to a much safer space, build my own household and even get the support I need to learn to leave my cage.

And boy has this been tough.
Acceptance and contentment have faded to the knowledge of “life has more to offer than this!”
Resignation is no longer an option and the uncertainty of when exactly I can finally fly feels like counting seconds after seeing a lightning, expecting the sound of thunder to come any second… but it doesn’t.
The air stays buzzing with pent up energy.

Thriving When Time Stands Still

While my situation might be a rare one, I’m sure we all know this feeling of waiting for something uncertain.

The nervous energy rushing through our veins, excitement and hope muddling with anxiety…

Do you allow yourself to hope and risk disappointment?
Do you jinx it if you try to manifest it?

My personal solution to this is both simple and nearly impossible:
If all you can do is wait and nothing you can do has a chance to change the outcome or speed up the process –

Don’t do anything about it. Don’t even think about it.

Feel free to get frustrated at this less than helpful advice.
I certainly felt this way as well.

It is incredibly easy to get caught up in your mind, keep regurgitating all the things that could’ve been and could be coming over and over.
But while reflecting and being mentally prepared are very valuable things, they can quickly turn into overthinking and an anxious obsession, ruining all the joy and excitement of a potential new oportunity and making dreaded events feel even more like the end of the world.

We hold ourselves captive in an imaginary future while fully loosing sight of the present. We’re zoomed in into our wings, prickling with anticipation of finally flying free, or fleeing from the threat that might never even come.

We loose sight of the bigger picture –
Loose sight of now.
Loose sight of all the joy and beauty still around us.
And we miss out on it.

So instead, I try to stay in the present and let the future come when it’s time for it to become the present itself.
Of course, this is easier said than done, especially if the lightning inside keeps demanding attention and bringing up all the thoughts and feelings every day.
And trying to surpress the buzzing just draws more attention to it and just let’s it roar on louder and louder.

What I found helps most, is letting the thought happen, without actually listening what it sais.
I’m allowed to hope, I’m allowed to dread, I’m allowed to be excited and anxious – but I’m not letting myself build a fantasy-future.

Stay Present In The Face Of The Future

It’s easy to get caught up in the mindset of “I’ll do it in our imaginary future”.
“It’s fine I’m living in a mess that’s stressing me out. I’ll start fresh in the next place.”
“I’ll get into singing once I can play the guitar good enough to sing along.”

Another pattern I’ve noticed is the “There’s no point in doing this now when x is ahead anyways”-trap.
Take for example you’re about to have a medical treatment after which you won’t be able to excercise for a while:
Where is the point in improving in your routine now, when you’ll loose the progress anyways? Where’s the point in trying out something new now when you don’t have the time to get past “newbie” and you’ll have to start from scratch again after the break?

The point is that we’re holding ourselves back and sacrificing experiences and even our current quality of life in the face of the future.

The Method Against Madness

To not get all wound up about the future, for me, it’s really important to make it a point to live in the present.
Days tend to morph into a continuous, empty blurr if I’m not careful, so I make sure to implement both structure and accomplishment into my days and weeks.

To find accomplishment, I naturally gravitate towards crafting.
But even with that it can get quite repetitive and blurry.
Whenever I notice that my projects don’t feel fulfilling anymore, I try to switch things up by learning a new skill in one of my crafts or a new craft all together.

Sometimes however, making things just for the sake of crafting and to make time pass, can feel quite dull over time. In this case, I highly recommend making things for other people. The joy of seeing a loved one use and enjoy something you made is incomparable!
Donating your time and abilities to a charity project is a wonderful option as well!
(I recently started crocheting a bit for one project in particular that I’m planning to make its own seperate post on once I collected some experience and can actually offer some insight on making for charity.)

For structure, I make sure to clearly separate my days.

The way this works for me, is to have a sort of routine for my mornings, to separate the new day from the day prior.

By this, I don’t mean some highly curated “morning routine” – more just some healthy habits that help me keep my mind and space somewhat healthy and organised.
I actually found that this happened naturally, once I stopped trying so hard and instead focused on making choices that felt like my authentic self.

When I tell other’s how I spent my morning and what things I do every morning without fail, I often have to laugh at myself because what I describe tends to sound pretty… over the top. I fully understand that my mornings probably wouldn’t even be realistic in a lot of circumstances but it is what currently works for me.

I love slow mornings and need a very tidy and well kept space to function properly, so the things I do first thing in the morning are meant to leave me with a clear and tidy space and mind.
It’s less of a routine than a list of “non-negotiables”, meaning I will do these things no matter what, unless it is literally physically impossible for me.
I also have a mental note on some “options” for ways to spend time after starting my day, in a way that leaves me feeling like this day wasn’t an empty waste that blurrs into the others.

So these are my non-negotiables:
– Brushing teeth and general hygiene (Sometimes, even basic hygiene can feel like just to much to handle, so making it a habit and getting used to the feeling of not neglecting personal hygiene makes it easier to do on bad days and even during short depressive episodes)
– Getting dressed (It can be comfy clothes or even a different set of pijamas – it just needs to be something different than what was worn for sleeping to clearly seperate the time to be active from the time to sleep)
– Making the bed (I spend pretty much all day in this one room, so making the bed and having it tidy during the day helps me separate the days from nights and not lay in bed all day)
– Yoga (When you don’t leave the house you naturally don’t move a lot and spend a lot of time sitting down. Daily stretching does wonders for those under-used muscles and provides a boost of energy first thing in the morning)
– Green tea (My coffee-equivalent that stops me from sneaking back into bed)
– Tidying (A quick tidy to “reset” the space and put away everything that might have been left out the previous night)

This usually takes 1 1/2-2 hours and is likely to invole an accidental nap on my yoga mat.

After I worked through this list, I go to my “options”one.
Being aware of things to do that feel productive or exciting (depending on how you want to feel), helps a lot to not just fall back into bed or spend the day mindlessly scrolling due to desicion fatigue or not knowing what to do.

My productive feeling options:
– Replying to a letter
– Reading
– Crafting for charity
– Blogging
– Doing a chore (laundary, sweeping,..)

My options for “bad-brain-days”:
(days when I struggle with concentration, low motivation, etc.)
– Knitting socks
– Messaging a friend
– Accepting that today doesn’t need to be super productive and just allowing my brain and energy level to decide what I will and won’t do today.

Transitioning Into The Future

Finally, the largest relief to bear this seditary final sprint I’m currently experiencing, I found in finding long-term projects and getting started on ones, that I can take with me once the new journey begins.

This can also extend to preparing for the future you’re awaiting, even if it won’t effect its arrival at all.

For example, since I know I’ll be moving eventually, I’m knitting my way through my yarn stash on a challenge to see just how much of it I can use up, before the rest of it gets packed into a moving box.

This isn’t only providing a long term project, but also bringing me closer to the minimalistic values I aquired after collecting a bunch of yarn.
So it serves a purpose regardless of wether everything will go as planned.

I actually made it to my last full skein of sock yarn last week!

As for projects to take with me, I cast on a blanket that I procrastinated on for a long time.
Having a project that most likely exceeds the waiting time makes the waiting period itself appear less long in comparison.

I also gathered some techy things and am learning to use them in preparation for a project I want to start once I’m in an environment that grants me the freedom (and privacy to make a fool of myself all I want) to try it out.

And I know I said that “I’ll do it in our imaginary future” is a trap…
But I also said it’s easy to get into and since I’m not waiting for it but actually starting to acquire some skills regardless of wether or not I’ll end up using them, I’ll let it slide.

One thing that isn’t in an imaginary future however, is the newsletter we’re setting up at the moment! (We being my lovely better 3/4 and admin of the blog under my incoherent rambling about all the things I want it to be)
While I’m trying to stick to a somewhat regular schedule, it’s obvious that I’m not very successful at that.
And while I do hope that this will improve in the future, when some personal things are taken care of and this whole, huge transitioning phase is over and settled, we decided not to wait till that happenes and I magically fall into a post-on-every-*insert day*-rythm and implement a little notification system instead.

Hihi see what I did there?

I’m hoping to turn the newsletter into a bit more than just a simple notification system but for the time being that’s probably better than nothing so for now, this is what we’re aiming for.
Once that’s implemented though, I’m thinking of adding some exclusive content but again – that’s future stuff.

Once the newsletter is set up, you’ll find the option to subscribe to this on the home page of this site, as well as under every post, right over the comments section.